As I'm preparing to journey afar, I found myself acting out in uncomfortable ways...again...
I said YES when I had wanted to say NO.
Then I was angry and acted out with people.
I hate that. Hadn't I learned that lesson?
In the past I would have walked over this, not seen it, or left it unaddressed. This time I'm watching closely, being curious, and trying to be compassionate with myself.
As I look inside, I'm finding that some part of myself is changing...and I need to listen to her, attend to her, make friends with her. She tells me she doesn't want to over give; she doesn't want to make things ok when they're not.
She wants to have time for her, for what she wants, and tells me it's time to take care of me now...at a new level.
She is clear all is well, and yet I must change.
If I want to be aware of her needs in the moment and really honor them, I have to slow down. I have to listen in. And I can't walk over any slight whisperings of my inner voice or fleeting intuitional hits.
I have to be still for moments...and wait. Be willing to not know, until I do.
As I thank her, I notice there is more inner freedom, more spaciousness, that it is safe to be here, where I am now.
I am single and work has always been primary to me. I had let a sloppiness arise, a messiness with my opening and closing of the workday. I had failed to say, "this is my time," to fully disengage.
As I reclaim this space I see the gentle smile of my business mentor, George Kao. I feel reminded there is room for everything...me, my creativity, my work, growth, and change.
And that it's ok to make mistakes. It's human and the trick is seeing it, fast hopefully, and moving in close to address the other human involved and the inner me who is struggling.
Ahhh, I am reminded of the Rumi quote:
"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness.
Some momentary awareness comes,
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!"
Loving oneself, growing and changing...what a job...a lifetime of work!